Woman’s rage! A Response from Joy to the bwati ongoing group egroup

I felt so happy to read this egroup letter. It is a momentous theme and several women in the egroup have been nudging at the same one. What has happened here though, (Woman’s name), is a completion of a very common (in wounded human beings) cycle. Often though that completion -which carries the seeds of very deep healing-is tragically arrested because one or both in the relationship get frightened or appalled or too overloaded, cannot find a glimmer of presence and intelligence with the life unfolding and must continue to blame or even leave the relationship, rather than feel deeply and keep being with each other.

It is of course possible and very natural in the best sense of the word, to not go into this cycle at all, but frankly that is rare in couples in this time where so much is being re-balanced in the way men and women relate with each other.

Woman’s rage is so often a  gateway into growth for couples. It is as though she drags man kicking and screaming into relationship. That doesn’t mean she is right in the specifics! It does mean though that she can wake him up if he is asleep or distracted as man can tend to be. We have heard in the circle many times of how man can be asleep for months!

So woman in the company of a man who isn’t fully in his greatness cannot usually bear this. She says or screams ‘love me, love me, wake up you b—d’.

Or she settles –for less, for compromise, for what is comfortable, for what doesn’t rock the boat. She may do this in all sorts of ways, perhaps with resignation, with independence, with disappointment, with a drip, drip, drip criticism, or with a sense of ‘well its just like this isnt it?’

Often women new to circles spend a long time testing the safety of the territory before they even dare to begin to find the dark woman, Kali, and let her live. She needs to receive much encouragement and support from her sisters to dare to live this because she knows how ugly it is. This is why women’s work is so so important.

Most men cannot conceive of how a woman can turn from being so beautiful to so ugly. For a woman who feels her relationship is stuck, if she finds the freedom to rage, it feels so much better to her than apathy and depression and pwoerlessness. so anger is a lever. used with consciousness, it can bring the higher energies needed to complete the unfoldingnto love and peace.

Most men will withdraw, turn away or condemn or criticise a woman for daring to express her rage of centuries and daring not to give him what he expects. Or leave her. One of man’s initiations into intimacy is to learn to stand his ground with her. Not take the blame on, but look into his heart (which is where she is always (tho not necessarily consciously!) trying to lead him) and see if she has anything to show him.

He will learn to stand in her weather and love it.  Then miraculously her weather might be generally sunny and calm!

Meanwhile of course man must look into his own darkness and some of you men have begun that important soldier’s work and some of you are wondering whether you dare!

Can I really open the can of worms that is my hatred of woman who I say I love?

If you don’t plumb those depths and free yourself of those centuries of avoiding and controlling her, you can never love her and lead her the way she loves.

Woman’s gut guidance and man’s capacity to hold space and lead and act ….we have worked this archetypal energy a little one weekend a while ago, some of you were part of that exploration. And it isn’t just man and woman, it’s male and female inside all of us.

Anyway….what I really want to highlight here is the perfection of letting the weather be, as (this woman) did, with intelligence, with an intention to be love and to lead each other to your best. This doesn’t just apply to those of you who are couples. It applies to all of you for and with each other.

(Woman’s name), you showed up in the darkness of your frustration and wanting to change (Man’s name). You stayed with that darkness and saw it as yours. I would like to think you didn’t put too much of it out at him after we talked! Anyway I don’t know, now it doesn’t matter .

But ultimately as you learn more and more to stay with that darkness, giving it light and space, you will not need to stifle yourself and end up back in your ‘log’ as you call it of depression and stuckness. And in living yourself this way, you will more and more be able to meet (your man) in tenderness and in clear seeing of his own man’s vulnerability because when dark is received in light, the love comes back…beyond ideas of right and wrong.

This can be true for all of you in this circle. To live with totality and passion, to allow the depths of you, the archetypal energies of life, the freedom to move (that isn’t the same as just putting them out there onto someone)

It takes trust and courage and clear guidance and delicate cooking!

All love to you all

Joy xx





I’ve been getting your e-mails for years … some connection in Norwich? but never read them through – they seemed too much … of everything. But just now I’ve been reading for hours on the website – testimonies, descriptions of workshops, blogs .. and I see how all you do fits with all I’ve been doing (years of exploring, learning, within supportive groups, with wise people) – I can see how your approach to all aspects of love (physical, energetic, spiritual …) fits well with mine, what I aspire to .. BUT the problem is that I’ve found difficulties with reading what you’ve written because my relationships have been as much with women as with men – I am female – and even though in a couple of places you seem to acknowledge that you accept that you include homosexual relationships as well as heterosexual ones, and that we are all male and female, throughout most of your writing you are particularly referring to “the man” and “the woman” .. and I’m led to wonder whether my discomfort with this would get in the way of my gaining full benefit from your workshops. That would be a pity indeed because I feel that I’ve now reached a stage where I could well do with an experience within a Circle, a lomilomi, or the three-day worlshop coming up soon – and would like to suggest to my female partner of two years that we enrol together. We are at that stage of looking like we’re completing the cycle of getting frightened, overloaded, in despair, and I for one am withdrawing, while she insists that we can learn from this, if only we can agree to a mutually acceptable path. What do you (or anyone else reading this) think?

Joy Hicklin-Bailey

Dear Serena
How lovely to hear from you. Im very glad you have asked this question. I feel the workshops are totally appropriate for all human beings whatever their choices about sexual partners. you would both be so welcome.
Ive worked with gay women and gay men and bisexual women and men, and they have all seemed to find enormous value in the work and their relationships have been enriched deeply by it.
Intimacy is available always to all. I apologise if this isn’t clear in my blog and website. Sometimes it can feel clumsy to keep reiterating -though I say it in some places-that everything I write applies to anyone who is drawn to depth and intimacy, freedom of being and conscious relationship. and if i rfeer to male or female or even man and woman I am referring to energetics, not gender, which all of us are. thanks for this opportunity to clarify even further.
all love and hope to see you soon

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